The art of saying “No”

Many of us are pleasers. People pleasers.

We’re taught from an early age, ‘be good’, ‘be nice’, ‘be kind’, ‘be helpful’.

That’s all well and good - being useful and nice are generally great attributes to have.

Until they aren’t…

These learned behaviours make us amenable to people around us and make us a heap of friends, but ultimately they can turn us into people we don’t want to be, at events we don’t want to be at, talking to people we don’t want to talk to.

They can turn us into people who always say ‘yes’.

Don’t get me wrong, saying “yes” to the things you really want to do, to exciting opportunities and challenges – THAT IS GREAT.

But how many of us are saying ‘yes’ because we want to be liked, because we want to be useful, or simply because we don’t know how to say ‘NO’.

Saying ‘yes’ can make us feel useful and busy, but it doesn’t necessarily always make us happy. It’s how I ended up organising the school fair, working on a general election campaign, whilst trying to grow my business and take care of my family. I don’t recommend doing all of these things at the same time!

When we say ‘yes’ to something, we are always saying ‘no’ to something else. Whether we realise it or not.

When I said ‘yes’ to organising the school fair, I was saying ‘no’ to spending more time growing my business.

When I said ‘yes’ to taking all the kids to the sports match, I was saying ‘no’ to spending time with my family.

If you are a ‘yes’ woman, it can take practice to start saying, ‘No’.

And at the start, it can be really hard.

You might think you’re letting people down. Or that people will see you as unhelpful. But by saying ‘yes’ to one thing, what are you going to be saying ‘no’ to?

If you find it difficult to say no, begin to practice it. Start small – with people you know well. Practice often.

See how many times you can say ‘No’ in a single day. Aim for 10.

“No – I couldn’t possibly do that.”

“No – thank you for the opportunity.”

Or just “No”.

No explanation needed.

And next time you find yourself about to say ‘yes’ to something, ask yourself, ‘By saying yes to this, what am I saying no to?’